What Did Juan Soto & The Red Sox Discuss In Their Free Agency Meeting?

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I’ve to confess that I rolled my eyes on the breathless studies that the Red Sox had secured a gathering with free agent slugger Juan Soto. Not as a result of I don’t imagine that Purple Sox possession will aggressively pursue Soto (I’m able to have my coronary heart damaged once more!) however as a result of the very thought of the conferences appears simply so foolish to me.

Juan Soto is just not Roki Sasaki, a younger participant barely into his twenties who has restricted expertise with American skilled baseball and America usually. Soto has lived in america for eight years. He’s fluent in English. He’s already hit three house runs at Fenway Park! At this level in his profession there isn’t something that Juan Soto and the Purple Sox don’t already learn about one another.

Furthermore, it’s not like Soto is a few reclamation mission pitcher who would possibly need to hear what Andrew Bailey has in retailer for his pitch combine. He’s a hitting savant who’s going to finish up with over 500 house runs. Was Pete Fatse going to point out up with a deck explaining how Soto may tweak his method to make his OBP even larger? In fact not. If something, it might be Soto outlining a plan for Fatse to unleash his potential as a hitting coach.

What I’m saying is: everyone knows that Juan Soto goes to go to the group that gives him essentially the most cash. The one factor he and the Purple Sox want to debate is a greenback quantity, making this assembly the very definition of “may’ve been an electronic mail.”

And but, as Sean McAdam of MassLive reported, Craig Breslow, Alex Cora, Sam Kennedy, and Tom Werner met with Juan Soto and his group final night time in LA. And never solely did the assembly in some way final three hours, however they didn’t even focus on a contract quantity!

So what did they really focus on over the course of 180 minutes? I’ve by no means been part of MLB free agent negotiations. However I certain as hell know my manner round a gathering, so right here’s my guess as to how they spent these three hours:

18 minutes speaking about safety traces on the airport, as a result of Federal Aviation Administration guidelines require everybody who flies on an airplane to have interaction in a minimum of one dialogue about airport safety traces inside three hours of touchdown.
23 minutes discussing visitors from LAX. That is Southern California, speaking about visitors provides them a motive to stay.
26 minutes coping with numerous A/V glitches, as a result of Scott Boras is a 72-year-old who thinks that puns are the best type of comedy — there’s no manner this man is aware of what to do with an HDMI cable.
5 cumulative minutes of Sam Kennedy saying “I’m Sam Kennedy, President of the Boston Purple Sox,” after Juan Soto repeatedly errors him for Scott Boras’s assistant, calls him Wayne, and asks him to get him a glass of water.
14 minutes debating the place to get takeout, then 11 minutes passing round somebody’s laptop computer to get a Seamless order going.
4 minutes including much more meals to the order as a result of Craig Breslow retains going “Hey, how about we cut up some shumai? Oh, and perhaps a pair orders of dumplings? Can’t go improper with dumplings.”
23 minutes singing comfortable birthday and consuming cupcakes, as a result of it’s all the time somebody’s birthday and there are all the time cupcakes.
8 minutes discussing RFK’s nomination as Secretary of Well being and Human Providers as a result of significantly what the fuck.
4 minutes taking turns going “you assume we acquired sufficient meals, ha ha!” as they unpack the Seamless order.
2 minutes cleansing up the water that Sam Kennedy spills on Juan Soto’s jacket.
9 minutes Venmoing one another after Tom Werner insists on itemizing the Seamless invoice. Alex Cora helps Boras arrange a Venmo account and obtain the app.
2 minutes of awkward silence when Boras goes to the lavatory, adopted by 9 minutes asking one another whether or not they’ve seen numerous streaming exhibits and responding “no, however I’ve heard it’s good. Is it value watching? What’s it on? I don’t even know what something is on anymore.”
5 minutes serving to Craig Breslow field up all the additional meals as a result of, hey, you may’t let all these dumplings to to waste.
17 minutes serving to Sam Kennedy fill out the paperwork to legally change his identify to Wayne.